*Read Parts I and II to learn about the IM ketamine journey I had that led to my first and, so far, only experience of ego death.

So, how does one make sense of the experience of completely losing oneself? Great question, I’m still figuring it out. I suspect the flippant answer most spiritual teachers would give is - you don’t. There’s nothing to make sense of because sense comes from the ego, and the whole point is to leave that limiting construct behind in order to reveal the true nature of existence.

Easier said than done.

One thing I learned is that I am capable of deep trust.

I told my friend about my sojourn into the ketamine machine, fear’s temptation and surprisingly easy denial, and the overarching sensation of accompaniment on some grand journey to return to the default world with the holy grail of healing, and finished the tale by saying, “but I don’t know if I got anything out of it.” His laugh still warms my ears, “you mean to tell me that you went to the core of all of existence, and in the nothingness, felt like your purpose is to heal, and you don’t think that means anything?!”

We laughed while watching the flames of our fire reach towards the darkened San Francisco sky, mimicking the movements my soul had made. I tried to pinpoint the edge of the flame and beginning of sky, but they melted together and separated too quickly to distinguish. I felt my heated seat warming me from below and within, protecting me from the foggy, SF summer night, on this rooftop where fierce birds of prey meet you as a neighbor. It was a view I don’t often have, and I glimpsed something I knew I wasn’t meant to hold onto. I started counting - what I was counting, I can’t really say; but, I only got to 37.